I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
