So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
