Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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