i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize