he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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