You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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