Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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