Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Randomize
