I am in a vortex of obligation.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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