Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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