it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I think your dad took our porno
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
