I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
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She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
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Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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