I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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