can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
