We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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