google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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