the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
