If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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