Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
NoShamevember. You game?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I think my moral compass just broke
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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