having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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