Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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