I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
