I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
