I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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