I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
