Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
