totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
this is an emotional support booty call
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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