i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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