so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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