You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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