That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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