mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
