Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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