i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
