When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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