im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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