can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
