When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize