at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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