Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
