It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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