i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
