i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
