Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
