Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
