I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
