how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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