Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
