You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
