So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
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This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
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I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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