I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
