I am in a vortex of obligation.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
