Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize