She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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